Tuning etiquette

Okay. As you know, Helen and I are in an orchestra. Now, between us (Helen and I) we have.... a hair over 30 years combinded playing experience and this is something we've learned early on, especially Helen being an oboist.

Tuning... slightly important to an orchestra. There's an order that's followed and rules that govern how this takes place. You've all heard that mass of sound just before a concert.

Here are the rules:

1. TUNING PITCHED PLAYED BY PRINCIPLE OBOIST
- Unless they suck and a player of less suckage assumes the role of the "constant pitch"

2. LISTEN TO THE PITCH.
- You've got to hear what you're tuning to right? Makes sense doesn't it. Not in our orchestra. Granted it's a community orchestra but come on people! This isn't a race to be the first one playing.

3. PLAY ONLY LOUD ENOUGH TO HEAR YOUR TUNING
- The whole orchestra's tuning.... you play only as loud as you absolutely have to. It's a bad thing when I look over at the Second Violins and it looks like they're trying to saw through their violins. Now all I can hear is the blue hair who's giving this "A" her all. Well, now that I think about it, she may have to play that loud to hear herself playing. Here's a little piece of advice....

GET A HEARING AID!!!

4. MAKE ADJUSTMENTS
- Rarely, if ever are you perfectly in tune. If you think you are. You aren't and you suck. Next! But I see this alot.... they play their note, out of tune, make an adjustment then never retune.... Uhh... hmm... how do you know you made the right adjustment? YOU DON'T!! Play it again... please.

5. WHEN DONE TUNING, STOP PLAYING!!!!
- This isn't your practice time. Shut it! If you find that you can't stop playing... put it down. You can do that. I won't hurt you. Or at least I'll try not to.

6. BE QUICK ABOUT IT
- Honestly, this concert is only so long. I understand that you're in the back row of a section of crappy violist and this is the only chance at a "solo" you've had in nay under a three decades but.... the rest of us are waiting. You've only got 4 strings.... how long do you need?!?

So there you have it. The basics of tuning. The next time you're at an orchestra concert watch for these offenders. If it's a good orchestra, odds are they're going to do exactly as I've written. The suckier they are, the worse their tuning will be.

Thanks for listening to me vent.