I'm not a bartender!

Okay, so Helen tells me she wants a strawberry daquiri. Virgin of course.

We get the mix, we get the ice.

Easy enough....

Yesterday, she asks me to make them. Sure. Well, I blend up some frozen strawberries, throw in some ice, add some daquiri mix, things are going great. Well, the ice wasn't getting blended fast enough for me, so I decided to take my spoon, my metal spoon mind you and gently push the ice towards it's sharp rotating metallic doom.

Bad idea.

Now, in my defense, it's hard to judge exactly where the blades are when you're working with a bright red slushy mixture. It can happen to anyone. Anyone of you! If you're not careful.

I, was not careful and stuck my spoon just deep enough to hit the blades.

I froze, the spoon shot from my hand and the daquiri took flight.

All of this, in front of my dear wife, Helen. Who, once she recovered of the shock of hearing metal on metal, seeing a spoon ricochet off the blender and feel strawberry daquiri splatter against her, started laughing.

As for myself, I was covered in daquiri, tasty, sweet daquiri. Which when worn, is very cold.

To end the tale, Helen handed me a new spoon, wooden, helped clean up and proceed to make fun of me.

I love you Helen.

Elite Secret Ops Team

Elite Secret Ops Team. That's my new nickname for the boys and here's why.

Last night, Helen and I stayed up to watch 2005's Funniest Commercials on TBS. We went through our normal bedtime routine and put the kids down at... oh... 845ish. I think. Well, at 1045 we decided to put the new DVD recorder to test and went to bed.

We get to the bedroom and who do we find? Josh! Eating a lollipop!

What the?!?

Why isn't he sleeping?!?

In his room?!?

How long as he been in here?!?

How many lollipops has he eaten?!?

Grrr...

So, Helen orders him to his room, sans lollipop and this is what he says, and I quote "Guys, don't eat my candy, guys" and "Don't take my candy". Not in the I'm sorry, I was wrong please don't spank me kind of voice but it's that defiant, you're gonna be in trouble for taking my candy kind of voice.

How dare we.

As for Ben, he's a sneaky little boy. The Captain of the Elite Secret Ops Team, if you will. Stealth, is how he operates. Silently and efficiently moving from no-no to no-no. His personal favorite is, during nap time, to sneak from his room to the bathroom and stay there as long as possible. Which is normally how long it takes us to go. "Where's Ben? It's to quiet back there." We don't have to look hard or far to find him in the bathroom, usually with his pants and underwear off. Why? I don't know. I don't want to know.

Which reminds me of another interesting Ben story, mildly funny now, not funny then.

As many of you know, Helen and I are members of the Utah Valley Symphony Orchestra, well, occasionally, we called upon Auntie Linda and Uncle Shawn for some babysitting duty during our rehearsals. (Thanks again by the way) Well, one evening after rehearsal, we pick up the kids and head for home. It's a pleasant, quiet drive. We assumed because it was late and they were tired. We were 66% correct.

Ben was quiet because he had pulled his pants and underwear down and was busy giving himself a 5yr old boner.

Nice.

We were stunned. Almost to the point where I couldn't yell at him. Almost, but not quite.

Needless to say, I was told by Helen, that I needed to have a talk to him about that.

I guess I should get around to that....

Chuck E Cheese's

Ahh... the first picture and it's of our lovely Morgan.

Thanks go to Auntie Gina for funding this little adventure. We only take the kids when they've been especially good and it has come to be known as "Special Pizza Game". Not to be confused with "Pizza Game" (aka Eatza Pizza, an all you can eat pizza joint with a small arcade).

The kids had a blast, Morgan in particular. She loved the balls, which she almost disappeared into. Ben had to make a couple deep sea dives to bring her to the surface. Another of her favorites was trying to climb up the skeeball track. Being the experienced parents that we are, we've learned that you can't just grab a pant leg to prevent her from climbing up. If you do that, you have a half naked child playing skeeball. The trick is to hook the diaper and pants, then lift and pull. Let me repeat, lift, then pull. Works every time. Trust me.

The boys had a good time as well. They played basketball, in the balls, table hockey and a couple of video games. No pictures of them this time. We... umm... they, yes, THEY were to busy winning tickets.

We left with some playdough, a giant lollipop, a rip cord helicopter and of course, a slinky.

Thanks again Sis! We still have enough for a second trip and that time, we'll be sure to get shots of the boys too!

Things my girlfriend and I have argued about.

I stumbled across this a couple of weeks ago and had to read the whole thing. I laughed.... and laughed and laughed.

The writer is an english author, who has writen several books based on his experiences.

If you feel like it, I wouldn't mind his books and I'm sure he wouldn't mind you buying them for me.

Uhh.... what?

Okay... as some of you may or may not know, one of my jobs is working in a call center. If you've ever called a customer service department for a credit card, cell phone, computer, pretty much anything, you're calling a call center that has been contracted to take those calls. Now, there's plenty we could say about that but I'll save that for another day. If you've ever worked in a call center, I feel your pain. It can be horrible. Thankfully, my job is reasonable.

So, finally, to my point.

Have you ever heard: "This call may be monitored for quality assurance"?

Well, the calls are recorded at random and then scored against a tool. Making sure you're being treated politely, they're verifing certain information, etc.

Now, we got an update yesterday about our quality tool. It says: "Avoid words such as "maybe, probably, should, could and I think"". They call these "non-committal statements" but further on it states "When discussing delivery times give it as "estimated time of delivery is 3-5 business days"

Umm... isn't that a "non-committal statement?!" The sentences are seriously.... right....next....to.....each....other.

And yet they are somehow able look me in the eyes with a straight face.

Man Missing Dog Gets Ransom Note, Something Extra

And a criminal mastermind is born.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/local/5002482/detail.html

Now, be sure to go to the link before reading further.

Okay, isn't that insane or what?!?!?

I love the "I'm not a poop analyst." But it looked like his dog's. Now, my question to you. How many of you have a beloved pet and can identify them by their droppings?!

Anybody, anybody?

I doubt that I can identify my own poop!

Okay, now lets imagine for a minute that we're the perpetrator of the fraudulent dog napping.

Here's something I can see happening.

Teen Perp 1: Dude, we need some cash.
Teen Perp 2: Yeah.
Teen Perp 1: There's this thing in the paper about a guy looking for his dog.
Teen Perp 2: So.
Teen Perp 1: Well, what if we told him we had his dog and would kill it if he didn't pay us.
Teen Perp 2: But we don't have his dog.
Teen Perp 1: We... could.... find some crap and put it in a bag.
Teen Perp 2: I'm not doin' that.
Teen Perp 1: Well, someone has to. And I came up with the idea so you do it.
Teen Perp 2: No, you do it.
Teen Perp 1: You do it.
Teen Perp 2: No.
Teen Perp 1: Yes.

Continue for the next 30 minutes till they bribe Perp 1's little brother to do it.

What happen to the good ol' days when they light dog poop on fire. Ahh.... the innocence.

The reluctant wife

It is possible for Helen to make posts as well.

Personally, I think this is a good idea. It's nice to see a different perspective on things. And it'll give her a chance to defend herself.

Alas, she's not hip on the idea.

So I leave it to you! If you want her feedback/input! Post it in the comments!

The Amazing Race

Our 3 yr old, Josh, has been having a relapse in his potty training much to everyone's dismay. He knows, when he has to go, we know, when he has to go but he either gets distracted on the way or just tries to push his luck. Either way he's easy to find. Just follow the pee-pee trail to the partially upset child. And his locale, does not influence his potty habits.

So... last night.

We're at a local mall, for their "50% off" sale. We didn't buy anything, even at 50% off, we can't justify spending $80 on two outfits, knowing the odds that it'll be soiled with bodily fluids is high. Well, Helen (aka Mommy) noticed that Josh was walking funny. Which isn't unusual, as 3 yr olds go, this time though, it was unusual for him. So being the intuitive mother, she knows something is up.

Immediately she finds a sales person and asks for the nearest rest room. "Yes, there's one, upstairs." the sales person replies.

So off they go to find the restroom. Leaving me in charge of the 5yr old and 1yr old in a busy department store during the Holidays. That's a story for another day. 15-20 minutes later, they come back, Helen looking less than happy. Unfortunately, the sales persons location of "upstairs", was only partially acurate. What "upstairs" really ment was "On the third floor, down the hidden employee hallway". But like most people, "upstairs" meant to Helen, "up one floor". So after they searched the 2nd flood, the were directed to the 3rd floor.

Finally, they find the restroom and what is Helen's prize?

Underwear. Full of poop.

Forcing Helen to throw the tainted underwear away and Josh to go commando for the remainder of the evening.

So what did we learn from this little escapade of hide-n-seek where the losers get a stinky reward?

Bathrooms, put them on every floor! Underwear, keep an extra pair. Just in case.

Links:

Just a quick note about the links listed on the right side of the page.

The Music School
The Music School (originally The Crescent School of Music) was founded in 1998 by Executive Director, Caleb Chapman, and his wife, Alison. Their vision was to develop a music community in Utah that would serve all ages and ability levels by providing a complete music experience for students of the school.Today, the school has grown to include campuses in Utah County and the Salt Lake Valley with nearly 1,000 students enrolled in Instruction and Performance Programs.

-I'm the clarinet instructor there! Awesome place!

Utah Valley Symphony
The Utah Valley Symphony was organized in 1959 as a non-profit organization. Its purpose was to give the talented local musicians an opportunity to use their talents and to provide the community with symphony music. It began as the Central Utah Community Orchestra and was then changed to the Utah Valley Symphony. The first orchestra had 30 members, and the first concert had an audience of eleven people, most of them relatives of the performers. In the following two years it grew to a full-sized orchestra using 75 to 80 members, depending upon the needs for a particular concert. The audience has increased to the point where two performances are required for each concert.

-I'm the third clarinet, playing, Bass, Eb, A and Bb clarinets as necessary.

Hattrick
Hattrick is an online football game where you trade players and coach your team in competition with hundreds of thousands of opponents playing simultaneously from all over the world.

-I spend way to much time playing this game.

The Sneeze
A website owned/maintained/produced by Steve. I can only hope to be half as funny as his site. My personal favorites are the Steve, Don't Eat it! Careful, occasionally his language can get a tad salty.

Red Meat
A demented comic. You'll have to have warped sense of humor to enjoy it. Which says something about me.

Strongbad Emails
Enter the world of Strongbad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Homesar, StrongMad and StrongSad. Send him an email, you might get lucky!

The Whistler.

You know them, there's one everywhere.

It's the person who whistles the same tune all day, every day.

In the restroom, whistling. At work, whistling. Slowly being eaten to death by Amazonian Fire Ants, whistling.

What irks me is, I'm working. Shut up. Shouldn't you be working?

As much as I enjoyed your rendition of "Greensleves" the first time, which I didn't, my dislike for it exponentially increases with each repetition.

May I request, as an alternative, humming. Softly. While driving in your car. Off a cliff.

The 1st

What will be contained here? Probably some general observations, rants and enough family info to appease not so close relatives.

For clarification, close in regards to proximity, not fondness.